Nathaniel, as we look across the field of your past eighteen and a half years, i see very few prickly, dried-up patches. Your schooling has had plenty of rain and sunshine and dirt. The mowing lines are not obvious, and the mountains in the distance aren't very pointy.
Now you've done a lot of terrible, horrible things. A lot of them. Numbers don't go high enough to count. However, I've gotten kinda fond of you, so though it is very tempting, I will not tickle you as you lie right now on the couch beside me. Besides, you'd just tickle me worse later.
Many moons ago, when Mom was starting to shove knowledge into your little skull, she almost definitely started with the ABC's. Don't you think that's an... ugly babyly horrific way to end?
- A is for AlbAtross, which you Are sometimes.
- B is for Breaking things. I saw you.
- C is for developing hand-eye Coordination, A. K. A. playing video games.
- D is for Don't eat that banana.
- E is for Eat that banana.
- F is for iF only, iF only, the woodpecker cried, the bark oF the tree was as soFt as the skies.
- G is for Gradually realizinG that you were mockinG me. Thank you.
- H is for i just want you to be... Happy.
- I is for It's harder than It looks to be wItty wIth these thIngs.
- J is for Joy! Yay!
- K is for KicKing and Killing Kings with frostbite.
- L is for you being way bigger than LiLLiputians. And even taLLer than i, thank you.
- M is for Me, Maggie. It always is.
- N is for NappiNg, because you are right Now.
- O is for what if yOu were really big? Like a giant?
- P is for Purse-holding, which you have not yet done, but i will laugh at you the moment you do.
- Q is for answering Questions. Especially the ones like "Where's Mom?" They're very helpful.
- R is for making shakes for me, too. The shakes you make taste the best.R
- S is for Sylvia Russia, where all of uS are belong to your baSe!
- T is for Thank you for reading This far.
- U is for Undertakers, and thanks for not being one.
- V is for the Valiant way you... defend me... the castle... from... Vikings. With Vindictive weatherVanes.
- W is for Wine, again.
- X is for Xenophile-ness, because that's better than the usual.
- Y is for You, because i think this is technicallY what this is supposed to be about.
- Z is for Zorro. Why couldn't you be more like him? *sigh*