Story time!

Ahem - my superior version of 'Farmer & Sons':

Why Bessie Was Butchered
by
Margaret Rhein

Not so long ago, in Iowa, there lived a sly old farmer, who was stricken with a terrible and incurable illness. Though he wished for his farm to prosper, he was afraid that his somewhat stupid and lazy sons, Clyde, Claud, and Gary Andrew Bartholomew Sean Matthew Lyle, would be careless, as usual, and his beloved cow would die, as she needed only the best hay.
So one day, when he could feel death closing in like the walls of the garbage room in one of the Star Wars movies, he called his sons to his deathbed, and slowly informed them that there was a great treasure in the fields, with diamonds, and emeralds, and more diamonds, and a magic little box with a fabric store inside. Clyde gasped, Claud's eyes widened, and Gary Andrew Bartholomew Sean Matthew Lyle exclaimed that he could finally buy that footstool he wanted. They all asked where the treasure was, but he was resting in peace, knowing that his dim sons would take care of his dear darling Bessie.
Because of their great greed and lack of imagination to think of activities, the sons dug all day and night, except for a little time in which they ate and slept, of course. When the land was all dug up, and the frustrated boys found no treasure, they complained greatly to their mother, who had planted seeds in the "tilled" ground, so as not to starve. She explained that their cruel father had tricked them into working, and that the so-called "treasure" was the fruit of their labor.
Of course, the accidental plowing yielded a good amount of crops that year, but the sons ate the berries from behind the shed, and died. The mother sadly butchered old Bessie, sold the meat, and, because she had demanded an unfair price, lived happily ever after.

The End
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