Growing pains

Baby:

1. an infant or very young child.
2. a newborn or very young animal.
3. the youngest member of a family, group, etc.
4. an immature or childish person.
5. a human fetus.
6. Informal. (a. Sometimes Disparaging and Offensive, a girl or woman, esp. an attractive one. b. a person of whom one is deeply fond; sweetheart. c. (sometimes initial capital letter) an affectionate or familiar address (sometimes offensive when used to strangers, casual acquaintances, subordinates, etc., esp. by a male to a female). d. a man or boy; chap; fellow: He's a tough baby to have to deal with. e. an invention, creation, project, or the like that requires one's special attention or expertise or of which one is especially proud. f. an object; thing: Is that car there your baby?)

Really the only one that applies to me is #3. I'm not terribly young, i'm not an animal, i'm not immature or childish (yes i'm silly, but that's in my free time: when i work, i work, when i worship, i worship, and when i play, i play), i'm born, and nobody actually calls me baby (and i like it that way).

Kid:

1. Informal. a child or young person.
2. (used as a familiar form of address.)
3. a young goat.
4. leather made from the skin of a kid or goat, used in making shoes and gloves.
5. a glove made from this leather.

Or as an adjective, Informal, younger, his kid sister.

I'm only the adjective one. I'm not a child anymore. Well, in some senses of the word.

Child:

1. a person between birth and full growth; a boy or girl: books for children.
2. a son or daughter: All my children are married.
3. a baby or infant.
4. a human fetus.
5. a childish person: He's such a child about money.
6. a descendant: a child of an ancient breed.
7. any person or thing regarded as the product or result of particular agencies, influences, etc.: Abstract art is a child of the 20th century.
8. a person regarded as conditioned or marked by a given circumstance, situation, etc.: a child of poverty; a child of famine.
9. British Dialect Archaic. a female infant.
10. Achaic. CHILDE. (a youth of noble birth)
    

That one i guess is a little better. I am "all grown up" in the physical sense. Perhaps a half inch or so left, but that's it. I'm a daughter, true. But i'm not a baby or infant, once again: i'm born, i'm not childish. I suppose i am a descendant. I'm not sure about #7. I can't think of any big thing that identifies me like poverty or famine. I'm still not an infant. And not so much the last one.

I'm sure being the oldest or the middle sibling is very hard, but so is being the last one. I have to watch everybody else grow up, and then i'm not allowed to for another couple years. If i'm being immature then i get a glare and a sigh, and i feel horrible and try to act like i'm supposed to, like whoever it is i'm with are acting. But then i'm left behind when it comes to age, because i just can't change that. It doesn't help that i'm tall; then i'm always stuck with people my height but older, or my age but shorter. Also it makes most activities harder. Long legs aren't good for much if you don't want to run. I've grown to be more mature than the average [my age]-year-old. I don't think i've ever been seriously told to act my age. I watch all my friends and family go and get jobs and go to college and drive and get married, and i'm stuck back here, seemingly the same as ever. I don't like feeling like the stupid one, like i wasn't good enough to be in this piano book, or nobody trusts me to work with groceries or ham. And people think i'm so lucky, the "responsibility-free one." I've never gotten to tell people what to do, either.

(these, by the way, are the sort of thoughts that go through my mind in the middle of the night.)

Another dumb thing is i'm never the best. At anything. If i'm good at it, a sibling or a friend is better, or even just has had more experience. What do i do? I read: Mostly Amanda and Nat and M have that covered. I write: There's Nat and M. I sing: Amanda. I play the piano: Amanda, Nat, Anna. I play the organ: Amanda, Anna. I'm learning German: Amanda. Jujutsu: Nat. I'm a student: It feels like everybody works harder than me in that respect. I've been told what a good student Naomi was, even when she hated the subject. I've heard the story about Naomi handing in a paper she really didn't like to write, that got an A only because the teacher couldn't fault it.

So an answer at this point is to work harder and catch up. Yeah, yeah. I've been trying ever since i can remember. It's not working.

Another one is to go into some hobby or school subject that nobody i knows is doing; the problem with that is that i'm just interested in the picked-over activity. I already know probably what i'm going to major in: Music Education or English Composition. I don't think there's such a thing as ground-breaking piano-teaching. And i really can't write the ground-breaking novel that will surpass all others. I'll write for a day, and think, Hey, i've done good work today. Maybe someday i will be one of the best. Then i talk to certain other people (some of whom happen to read my blog), and they wrote three times as much today, and it makes mine look like heirlooms (see previous post).

I'm not posting this for sympathy, this is just how i feel. So please, please don't call me kid, or child, or some synonym.

EDITS: Suffice it to say i am a teen.

I really am a baby in another respect: a crybaby. If you say you've never seen me cry, that's good. I am getting better. But it still feels like the slightest thing sets me off.

A born teacher?

Maybe he is growing up… a little…

First of all, did you know i teach piano lessons? Sort of. (i don't get paid, but it's fun.) I started August 31. Teaching Oly'Anna S..* First of all, she's smrt.** You know fingerings and ups*** and downs**** and all that? She got that, no problem. (Some [nobody who reads my blog or related to one who does] of my Mom's students have trouble with that, and i have no idea how! It's just not as hard as all that!)

But anyway, the fact is that i teach weekly.

And then last Monday we had our usual church schedule, which began with Children's Choir (i'm still in it - for the sake of the choir, i say) practice. But Mom had opened the garage door when we were leaving, and forgot that that would set off the alarm. She ran home to tell the police that it's all right, and i started choir practice. Hm. Well. I don't think i'm all that ready for teaching a choir yet. I'd rather sit in the back and know all the answers. All i could do was open to the hymn***** and get them to sign the first two stanzas. Them Mom got back and took over, which made it a lot better, though everybody else said i did a wonderful job.

My last teaching position was yesterday. At the H.'s, doing biology (with Erik H., Matthew H., and Nick S.), Mrs. S. (teacher) had to take most of her kids home, and Matthew and i were the only one who'd done the On Your Own 3.1, and i'm older.****** So i showed The Icks (Erik and Nick [IckIck and NickIck]) how it was done, and today Mrs. S. was telling me all about how NickIck was praising my good job, calling me a "born teacher."

A born teacher? I don't think there is such a thing. You could be a born bossy person. But teaching isn't an instinct. But it is a talent… and both my parents are teachers. But i was raised by them. So is it inherited or did i learn by watching my parents? I'm inclined (partially from my choir experience) to say it was watching my parents. Is that how i got musical too? And my love of reading? And obscure facts?******* I've also been told to lead JuJitsu once in a while when Mr. H. (different one) is busy, and when Scottie isn't there, since he's older and higher ranked than me. Though shorter. And oh so annoying. Worse than zAaron AND the Icks!

But i digress. The teaching thing is part of learning JuJitsu, so that isn't singling me out.

I guess i never really thought of Nick as getting older. Except now he's almost as tall as me. Which, by the way, is wrong. People don't grow taller than me. I grow taller than them sometimes. That's just the way everything works. However, Erik recently grew taller than me, but i let it slide since he's technically a little older.

Digression again.

So maybe Nick is getting more mature too… that would be interesting.

The plot thickens!

*Pastor's sixth
**S-M-R-T smrt!
***NOT United Parcel Service
****NOT Demented Orthodontist Whacks Nick S.
*****TLH 25
******These things are fun to use!
*******That one is just my Dad.